marți, 13 noiembrie 2012

In the darkness(Istanbul poetry)

It doesnt have to be about the dark sides of  Istanbul. I just make it this way.

Coconut and milk all over my face.

Dating in Istanbul is quite easy. You just go out there.

Everything is fucked up even for a girl who looks very much turkish.

Things come and go like a rollercoster. It is dynamic. More than anything.

I might loose myself here so please help me

http://vimeo.com/19570422?fb_action_ids=10151115774608372&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

I found methods of expressing myself but none are acceptable here.

I drink milk tonight.

I BELIEVE POETRY IS ALL AROUND US.

Istanbul is just another way of dancing around the darkness of our own lives.


The city is a GHOST.


It comes and it goes .It beautifully unfolds.

Wide streets and dark corners. Like  a maze that can never be touched by humans.

Between two continenets lays our beds- your head is on my shoulder.

Get inside me. Please.

The skin around our neks would sound like a piano in the darkness.

Then go away.

Far far away from me.

Like you've never been there.


duminică, 26 august 2012

Long time in Hell

Some time passed. Too much if you ask me but life wanted me to geekly smash my head to my inside crawling walls so I said bring it in.

Dates?Not quite, if you don't count geeky stuff I've taken at times too seriously just because I am attracted by discovering the world and the people from distance, through the filters of my own mind, through my broken edgy projections, sickly.

I had some encounters but no one seemed to catch my attention but the past seems to hunt me down constantly- two important men from past show up just to confess how marked they are by the encounter we had some years ago(many).
 I was marked back then also but only by the way they vanished as jerks. I am listening to them now with the fascination of why would someone in owe for a person would go away as if thretened by death?

Some answers have been given  but it doesn't have anything to do with me but with their own fears and demons. Chapters closed, I am unable to go back and comfort them now. They have made their choices at those times, I made mine to accept it and move on.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. A ghost from the present is pressing some buttons that sometime make me smirk but other time make me shut down and reset. Pretty fun to realize I still got some issues to let go.

Being single feels fresh again, this energy of being totally in commitment with your own self and enjoy your own moves, body, choices and all is making me float.

I realized how confused is everyone, the difference is that some don't care. Some guy told me that he's mostly fucking a girl, hanging out but not much, they are not fuckbuddies , maybe dating but not quite -a friend told me he's got a friend with benefits but tried not to make it seem like that so occasionally date but not really. What the fuck is that? It's simply hilarious. This fear of...labels freaks everyone out. Like the moment you put the label on, you're doomed so everyone tries to snick out and in on the lowest possible profile. I find it totally unprofitable-the guys might get a chunk of a pussy but do they for real? How enjoyable can a confused fuck be?How passionate can a confused pussy be? I guess it doesn't matter.

I personally like squeaky clean agreements. Give it to me, straight on my face-let's leave games and scenarios for the bedroom. I'm not a labels fan but I'm much less of a fan of the people who are scared of them, because afterall if your mind is truly free, no social or cultural label won't shape your intentions and behaviour towards someone -in the end.Unless you only care about smelling some pussy from time to time. A pretty good reason for most men, for sure!:)

It's true, sometimes things move slow, in their own way, in their own time, people don't know what they want, they are oscillating but even that can be firmly stated and made clear, no?

If there's something that completely turns me off that's confusion-control-freak or not, I can even let go all of my control if the person reaches out and firmly asks for it.
When will men who either romantically or sexually or both try to snick in,  get that if they state clear options based on their preferences doesn't mean being locked down in a prison while the ladyguardian of it slowly swallows....the key? :P


slackerbitch! yeah!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sA14ZgJKu10&feature=related

joi, 28 iunie 2012

Men as a X-mas pigs stubber

Coming back from Turkey to a even more fucked-up Romania didn't help alot-the politics telenovelas and the general social anger not to mention the ugly dudes(we're on a dating blog afterall^^) make me crawl back to a peacefull Turkey where you can manage much better the gender roles(it's a paradox, huh?) and enjoy life in a totally different way. But we shall see how it goes.

Talking about stuff, romanian men and people generally seem to be lacking any kind of sensitivity towards the other human beings in any way. It feels like being in a nordic country minus the good economy and social development. You can drop on the street or get out naked, no one seems to care-not that I'd mind, it;s a good opportunity to try on my new Eve's suit-just saying...After Turkey anyway when even an ankle-okay-maybe not ankle-but shoulders in the spring, small cleavage in the summer was a reason of joy for other men, this reality seems a bit...weird now. You can say I miss being looked at as to a piece of meeeat!

On a serious note, I miss the smilling faces, the positives attitudes and the warm people of Turkey. Romania is cold as ice and mean as a a X-mas pigs stubber

Mai multe despre rolurile de gen in Turcia


 Am decis sa scriu o serie de articole despre observatiile mele acolo in legatura cu aspecte ce vizeaza rolurile sociale al femeilor in/din Turcia

Primul suna cam asa:


În orasul Sakarya aflat la 150 km sud de Istanbul este o cu totul altă lume-o lume cu reguli și o disciplină cu adevărat nouă pentru mine.
Ca femeie, nu plătești nicăieri în vreun restaurant și, câteodată habar nu ai cine și cât a plătit pentru tine. Nu ți se spune decât că femeile nu plătesc, asta e cultura aici și dacă nu accepți, te transformi într-un adevărat călău al  întreagii civilizații islamice și jignesti profound și iremediabil întreaga floare masculină musulmană. Oricum, orice fel de împotrivire-de la discuție amicală la scandal feminist pe tema asta este tratată la fel-cu plictisită indiferență- oamenii de aici nu doar că nu înțeleg despre ce vorbești dar nici nu au chef să audă. În fond, de ce-ar avea?...
Ca femeie, nu plătești nici autobuzul-asta dacă, evident,  călătoresti cu un bărbat. El are întotdeauna banii pregătiți la intrare, până ajungi să arunci un ochi înauntru să vezi dacă este vreun loc liber, treaba a fost deja încheiată. Într-o seara,  un prieten a oprit un dolmuș(un fel de mini taxi unde se înghesuie cam 8 oameni) pentru a spune șoferului în turcă unde trebuia să ajung-după ce-a făcut asta,  am constatat cu uimire că bagă mâna-n buzunar și plătește pentru mine. Eram deja înghesuită înăuntru, el afară, pe partea șoferului, până să vociferez ceva, mașina a și pornit. M-am simțit ca un copil prost, asta deja depășise limita a ceea ce s-ar putea chema( în vreun fel?!) –curtoazie-Niciodată un bărbat nu va accepta să ia banii înapoi, tot ce poți face pentru a te revanșa față de prietenii turci este să le cumperi alte lucruri, cu alte ocazii și să te rogi să le accepte sau să le ascunzi pe undeva prin casa sau mașina lor și să le trimiți un sms dupa aceea să le povestești ce-ai îndrăznit să faci.

Ca femeie europeană în Turcia, unii profesori universitari iți spun în fața clasei că, dacă ești feministă, niciun bărbat nu te va lua de nevastă(ca și cum e de la sine înțeles că asta e menirea ta pe lume, nu?) și ești sfătuită cu înflăcărare să accepți primul bărbat care  va fi dispus să te ia.
Ca femeie, ți se spune că la 27 de ani ești prea bătrână să studiezi și cu siguranță e ceva în neregulă (cu tine, evident) dacă niciun bărbat nu s-a gandit să-ți facă un bine și să te ceară de nevastă până acum. Ți se spune că e deja cam tarziu să faci copii sănătoși. Poate pentru că arăt mai mică sau pentru că port haine ne-serioase colegii mei turci îmi dădeau 21 de ani și mă tratau cu simpatie- lucrurile s-au schimbat  însă când au aflat vârsta mea, dintr-o dată li s-a părut dizgrațios că n-am o slujbă și o familie  și n-au făcut un secret din asta, din păcate. Unii mă întrebau de ce nu un job iar alții de ce nu sunt încă măritată.
Într-una din zile, am încercat ceva cu adevarat revoluționar- fiind cu unul dintre colegii mei de clasă la un ceai, m-am ridicat de la masă și, sub pretextul că merg la toaleta, am mers la bar să plătesc pentru amândoi macar o dată și să-i demonstrez că și femeile pot plati în Sakarya. În momentul urmator, bărbatul de la casierie a început să urle cu voce tare ceva în turca, spre colegul meu care s-a înroșit tot, vădit rușinat de situație. Nenea m-a luat de mănă și m-a dus înapoi la masă, m-a depozitat frumos lângă băiat ca pe-o pisicuță care a îndrăznit să iasă din casă fară permisiunea stăpânului , mi-a pus banii sub ceașca de ceai și mi-a vorbit dojenitor, dar cumva cu milă mie și dur colegului meu. Era la începutul venirii mele în Turcia, nu întelegeam o iotă-aparent domnul patron i-a reproșat colegului meu că lasă o fată să-i plătească ceaiul(ce fel de bărbat e el!?) iar mie mi-a transmis că în Turcia fetele nu platesc niciodată. Pam-pam!
Mi-a luat ceva să-mi revin din răvășeală și aproape că m-am simțit vinovată față de colegul meu. Aveam sentimente contradictorii-știam că i-am produs o neplăcere dar pe de altă parte, îmi spuneam că n-am făcut nimic rău.
Aici nu te simți o bucată de carne(de exemplu un bărbat trebuie să aibă  sau să mimeze o relație cu o femeie ca să facă sex cu ea), cum m-am simțit în Franța, de exemplu, nu găsești patriarhatul acela de tip obiectficant dar te simți ca o invalidă, ca un copil prost care are nevoie de un bărbat să-i poarte de grijă,  ajungi să te simți vinovată pentru orice act care ar putea contrazice cultura în care te afli.
Ce altceva mai faci dacă ești femeie?Păi, ești singura care pune cumpărăturile în coș la supermarket-bărbatul plătește și femeie pune cumpărăturile în punga-niciodată invers, niciodată împreună.
Dacă ești femeie europeană ești curtată și megacurtată, primești zeci de sms-uri și cereri de prietenie pe facebook pentru că barbatii turci cred că pot pune oricând egal între  femeie europeana și femeie ușoară sau cel puțin speră să fie așa. Fetele turcoaice sunt forțate de către familii să-și păstreze virginitatea până la nuntă, chiar și cele din Istanbul, ai căror părinți nu sunt foarte religioși, ale căror mame nu poartă neapărat val. E ușor de imaginat, deci, de ce și cum băieții turci au mari speranțe cu fetele europene, ca să zic așa. Pe de altă parte, este foarte pregnantă această separare pe care colegii mei turci o fac intre –NOI și EUROPA(cum zic ei)-aparent Europa este un alt tărâm, cu alte reguli, cu alte povești,  unde oamenii sunt mai superficiali, nu au valori serioase și unde femeile sunt bune doar pentru distracție. Ei bine…
Va urma…

Acest articol a aparut pe platforma online Feminism-Romania 

http://www.feminism-romania.ro/index.php/yia-gender-roles/77-proiect-qgender-rolesq/832-cum-e-sa-fii-femeie-european-in-sakarya-turcia-1.html

sâmbătă, 10 martie 2012

French men

2 weeks in France was enough to make some new bias about french men. not bad at all- Paris was full of sophisticated cute dudes always checking you up on the street, trying to talk to you, pissing in the corners of the buildings, screaming at you from cars on the other part of the street and so on. An agressive wilderness which made me feel like a lost Cinderella.

Someone should make a rule in the religious books -NEVER DO YOUR FRIENDS- well, that wouldn't help me much as I am not a religious dudette ....

Once more, France prooved me french men are good in bed but horrible in social encounters, confused, and borderlique so to say(the french for messed-up).

I found french girls I've met totally lacking charm whereas the boys were pretty intresting and charmfull. The afroamerican dudettes on the other hand were awesomely hot...

Let's talk abt this next time, I've got a dinner to start preparing:)

Another surrealist day in Sakarya 2

Well, yeah, I couldn't quite resist to a moto so I hoped on and just let myself go. It was comfy and weird, fast and coldish but my adrenaline was high and not in a bad way so I enjoyed it and didnt think about anything else.

I asked him to stop somewhere near my house but not quite my house, the guy seemed to be a stalker and, as I dont live alone, was not quite in the mood for fans.

When I said cok tessekur ederim and iyi aksamlar(thank you so much and have a nice evening) the guy said call me tomorrow, please, call me tomorrow. I was in a bit of shock, no guy asked me with a -PLEASE- for a sign back, it kinda freaked me out but didn't take it too seriously.

I tried to avoid him next days, though we met at the gym and all around the campus-I was saying hi but mentioning I don/t really have time to go out, to his texts where he used names as -princess-.

Well, every girl wants to be a princess at least once, no? If you cannot  make up your mind yet take it as a homework.

Optum,

Signed

The princess of darkness :)

marți, 7 februarie 2012

Another surrealist day in Sakarya

I realised that last  few months İ was so busy in trying to figure out why my intresting-weirdish-islamic-fucked up relationship isn't working so İ kinda forgot to look around me and let myself fascinated of the unusual things that seem to glow every day over  me and Sakarya-especially Sakarya to be honest.

Was a beautiful day with glowing sun and 14 degrees in February-a reason to be joyfull hence my brother has - 37 in Warsaw and my mum -20 in Bucharest so yeah you can say Allah is spoillıng me.So to say;)

İ happily went to campus to fish, just like last semester for best classes and best teachers-that is a complicated process but suddenly İ had so many options which is...surrealist for this university. İ said okay, let's see if the dream doen't blow in my face next day and decided to wait a bit. But İ was happy. I carried this warm feeling of safety and pinkyness inside to the campus gym. The student who takes care of the gym started to jump when she saw me-was she that bored I wondered...She is always triıng to teach me turkish and makes me repeat many stuff İ barely understand till she makes me crazy-this time she just grabbed my cheeks and told me in turkish that İ was very sweet and  then added BEAUTİFUL in english!oh well- I just hoped she was high or smth cuz it was her first word in english and i kinda felt proud was adressed to me bwahahah.

After 2 hours of proudly sweating I went out.In front there was this guy waiting -he asked me smth in the gym also but İ didn't quite get it-smth abt a key, İ assumed he lost his locker key, poor him. So yeah he told me he NEEDS to have a caffee with me. İ was kinda confused and...didn't know what to reply cuz he also seemed high, overenergetic and continuously eating my personal space so İ was like mmm okay but İ cant now, maybe next time bla. He wanted phone number and A DATE and a tıme we could meet! Ok I started to freak out and lied him İ don'T know my number so he has to give me his. Then İ ran-he called me-hey, I got my moto, İ can take you home...ummm-I tried not to look intrested-was like yeah...maybe...OK!

So off we went(to be contınued)

miercuri, 1 februarie 2012

Turkish broken heart

I have no idea how it looks like cuz I haven't seen any. Only mine keeps trying to tell me I kinda bothered her lately and needs a slack. I keep telling her back hey, not my fault you're sick now, you didn't take care of yourself, you made me fall like a stupid teenage, now shuddup and take it!.

Yeah, Turkey, turkish men and dating. I can write a book about it and eventually I will. I have no intention to whine about it here, was complicated enough to say no more men for a while and NEVER turkish!You know, this is like drinking...till next time:). Hope not!

Otherwise, Turkey is a continuous drama-people here are all dramatic-they live their own telenovelas every day scattered with emotions, tears and fury. Sometimes, it can be even cute-see, I look rather oriental, i.e turkish but a good one, I was told, so I get some attention but not as much attention as a girl who doesn;t look turkish gets, which is fine for me, I couldn't put up with more than that, I'm not that much of an attention slut.
What's funny is that when people(read MEN) start to talk to me in turkish on the street, I let them go on and on, nod, then I tell them in turkish that I don't know their language. Suddenly, their eyes start to glow like a polar bear in the darkest polar night and they show more intrest, much more. At first I was told they are just intrested in foreign people, other cultures and stuff-other cultures my ass!I know what it is!They think european girls are easy to get laid with,that's it, cuz their women preffer to either stay virgin or just have anal or oral sex to keep themselves PURE till the wedding day so POOR turkish men are left without, pardon my french, PUSSY.

So yeah, the other day some guys fallowed me to see where I lived just cuz I told them I am not turkish when they started to talk to me on the street, today Marie, my cute french flatmate told me some guys were snowballing our window. It's not that bad actually is it?It reminds me of highschooool<3.

On another note, we're gonna start turkish classes in university so who knows maybe I can soon pass for an authentic turkish woman and won't see monkey's eyes glowing in the dark. Insallah!