vineri, 7 iunie 2013

Old school june mornin' glittter shit

For some of us is all or nothing.

Uhm... some of us get this energy - when we get started -  we DO get started, that is, we go beyond every human limit.  No sleep, no adjusting, we're high till... well...we're not.

Women, that is.

I tend to believe most men are not this way. Fuck'em! :)

Is it a gender thing? Is it genetics? Is it just me being a freak on a personal level? It could be.
Years and experience have thought me this much- accept  some parts of you that are absolutely glamorous, try to be sensible and change whatever makes you unhappy if possible, love yourself floating around bits of golden ashes, smille and  shit on dusty wind poetry.

It might mean nothing for some,  it might mean  sweet coated shit on the long run for others.

It depends how you define shit, of course- people remembering you after years of meeting them. Still yearning for the passion and energy but kind of...looking back at it regretfully with a decision taken on a regular daily basis that doesn't make a difference for any of the parts involved.

Then you smile.Not interested anymore, pal.

 We 're talking about words versus facts. Memories and moments lost in time. Live to tell stories to your children, if ever.

Went to dance tonight. Men and women still seemed to seduce one another, old school way.

On a bar crawl, trying perhaps 7-8  clubs in a raw in one night in all seemed dusty on a gender agenda.

It kinda of made me happy with mixed feelings about it.

Mixed feelings cuz somehow men and women were good boys and good girls  dancing around each other, more or less showing off an innuendo of political correctness attributes.

I should be happy about it-and I am. Yet, my culture showed me differently over time.

Someone used to tell me  the other days I get too easily confused.  I do, yes. It stirs things inside cuz you see, we're the gulping middle generation-we gotta keep up with the old school and gotta adapt to the new shit. It's a radio inside our brains, changing bits, baby.

We gotta make our own way  to a different base on a wave lenght every fucking day. It's called adapting to the tune that society plays for us. Not to mention our personal..well...golden coated shit-sorry for the leitmotif of the mornin', eh.

Who cares, really? Well, I kinda do.

Go to the cinema, eat apples, buy new spices, kiss with no reason, listen to the song below on a Sunday morning :)

miercuri, 13 martie 2013

Dating Bucharest

I tend to think about cities as lovers. Some dull, some passionate, some rough, some kind and sweet, some dark and noisy, some sensual and refined.

Berlin was a woman lover- she loved me so tenderly, she kissed me all over, she made me swear I'd go back to her. I left her behind, I lied to her, I am so so ashamed about it, I will rotten in hell!

Two years ago when I left Bucharest, I was disgusted with it- my lover was so bored of me, constantly showing me misery and troubles, no tender gesture, no tulips in my way,  no chocolate on my pillow in the mornings. Nada.

I left him for another one, then another one, then another one. The last one was dark and gloomy, had authority issues, was toxic and he treated me like a whore. He slammed my head to the bricks of the street many times, he locked me up in the house, he shameless abused me, over and over.

I left him and I was so amazed to see my old and first love taking me back in his arms and showing me love again, like never before.

And yes, it happened, I fell in love with Bucharest again. With his streets, his people, his buses, his construction sites, his few bikes, his dark corners, his vitality, his dynamic, his dust and his tremendous beautiful energy spread around me which makes me feel loved, loved, loved and spoilt.

We're not official together yet, he's asking me to move in again but I want to take it slowly. So we're more now. I visit him sometimes, like a shy lover, go and explore him, laugh, enjoy his beautiful touches, I let him make love to me on and on and every time it feels like sweet heaven. He's  so cute and tender, I have to confess that sometimes, you know,  I feel embarrassed by all his attempts to impress me- flowers all over just for me, his friends smiling to me everywhere, he brings beautiful people in my way, he sends buses especially for me.

 It feels amazing but it creates this pressure that perhaps I'm not worth it, that I might disappoint him but I relax and all the fear drops away like an old worthless luggage.

I am in love,YES!  and it feels amazing. My lover shows me all the sweetness and fluffiness back, he's not afraid, he's open and sunny and relaxed and holds me beautifully rather than grasping at me.

I'm full, full of love <3

vineri, 22 februarie 2013

About my worst sex ever and disfunctionality

It's been a while. Back to Romania gender dynamic, different but somehow it feels more healthy. I had enough Islam.

I want to talk about something recently lived-that is the worst sexual partner I have  ever had. In a way, I am writing it for him. He is a dear friend and although I have tried to talk to him face to face about it, I was emotional and harsh so I guess now things are more clear.

As a bit of a background in our dynamic-we know each other for what he used to call- a whole learning cycle:)-that is more than 4 years and constantly teased each other and also kept somehow close, even when we were not together because of the distance. He's an outstanding guy, funny and smart, creative and highly fresh. A great company also, someone who makes me laugh all the time, which is a big +.

One time it happened. Although I smelt the issue on the spot, I gave it another try just to make sure we're relaxed and mature enough and in the best conditions of being in such an experience together.

I was not so surprised when the pattern happened again. I must admit that I've never had such a type of sex. And hope never to have again.I doubt he can be different with other women because somehow there are some impulses, gestures and tendencies that you either have or not. Such as, to touch, to feel, to smell, to enjoy the other's be human- again, I dont expect performance but lack of humanity, this was something new even for me. I had what was called- a denigrating fuck. In the end I realized what i was- a blow-up doll:).

Don't get me wrong, I love role plays and consensual kinky stuff but this wasn't the case, there was no consensus about anything.

I won't give you the details what I can say is that there was something sick in it and I felt it very clearly. It was schizoid sex. Have you ever met or been with someone in an activity and  felt the other one was totally in his/her own bubble? Someone that sees nothing but their own intentions and drive? Someone that is completely not present, that is ego and result oriented?

If something kills my libido, that is a result oriented person in bed, doing every step just to get there and then leaving the scene as it ended, someone completely lacking sensuality and sometimes even consideration.

This guy had no instinct rather than mating. Procreational one and that's all. That is-finding a hole. So boring that it makes my skin bump.So inconsiderate for human nature that it took me back to Darwinism and the apes.

Actually, it scared me a lot. I have seen a person who sees a body as a plastic, I have seen a person I care  completely unable of human connection, completely self-absorbed and completely dysfunctional in this type of communication. It almost made me cry, it felt so so sad.

Someone who had no will to touch skin, to smell skin, to touch brests, to touch pussy, not even to the point of the eternal masculine and sexy approach that most partners take-that is to check how wet-translate"prepared" is their partner for them. Not even that, no spark of  drive. Just an urge.

It took me some time to shake off the feeling of being used, the feeling of -there's something wrong with my body- and all the negative by-products that come with being treated like a blow-up doll and the frighting idea that such men do exist out there and lots of women just tolerate such sexual behaviour on them.

I have asked him and he said no one complained. Now, I am one of that person who thinks that a good sexual report is based on the functional dynamic between the partners. True. Nevertheless, in this case, there was a clear sign that if he acted like that with me, someone I knew he appreciated/respected, how could he turn into a human- caressing, kissing and touching partner on a one night stand?

Unless some women love to be treated as plastic dolls. Unfortunately.

Life's tricky, sex is magic, drink water, eat apples:)